Mandatory class before you fly - that’s my plan

This story rings very true:

Newsday.com: Holiday Travelers Face More Complex Travel

Ron Luczak flies a good deal as marketing director for The Travel Team, a Buffalo, N.Y.-based travel management company. On Veterans Day, he spent an hour and 20 minutes in the security line at Buffalo Niagara International Airport. He was, he said, behind infrequent travelers who didn’t know that they had to take off their shoes, belts and jackets — and forgot to shed other metal — before walking through the metal detectors.

“There was mutiny,” Luczak said. “People were going to the front of the line saying, ‘I’m going to miss my flight,’ but so was everyone else.”

The San Jose to Seattle flight that I take regularly often has some very infrequent, strictly leisure fliers. These are fishing buddies on their way to a fishing trip in Alaska (they can be identified by ordering Bud a 8am in the morning) or seniors on their way to their cruise in Alaska. And often times, I’ve seem them sort of freak out and get all stressed at passing the security checking point.

The other day, I saw someone get pulled aside for having a pocket knife - and became rather irritated at being given the choice of throwing it away or mailing it back. I guess this person slept through most of September in 2001.

If I had my way, you wouldn’t be able to buy airplane tickets unless you took a “Flying 101″ class. This class would cover topics such as:

-What is acceptable luggage (hint: garbage bag is not)

-The right ways to find your seat (hint: if the arm rest number doesn’t match your boarding pass, you’re in wrong seat.)

-What to do if the plane is hot because the APU is down (hint: close the sun visor - the sun is kind of hot)

-What lame jokes not to make (hint: announcing to first class “Would anyone like to trade seats with me? I’m in 33F” as you’re boarding is lame. Especially for the people who are on the same two flights you are on where you make the same lame joke each time.)

-And what comments are totally lame (hint: you may think that asking aloud “Why do we need life vests since we’re flying over land?” might make you seem erudite, but you’re wrong.)

Personally, I think frequent fliers should be able to give out yellow cards (ala soccer) to people who they think commit some traveling offense. For example, a few months ago, a heard someone say the following:

“I hate San Jose. They don’t know how to prioritize. At LAX, I show up all the time 30 minutes before my flight takes off, and they automatically let me through security first. At San Jose they make you wait in line. How wrong is that.”

Yes. That is a true story.

So, if elected supreme dictator of the world, I plan to eliminate these peopple. Will you join me?